O Friend, where art thou?

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away.

– Ordinary World by Duran Duran


Friend: Do you know what? I’m in love with this guy […]

Me: Oh that’s great!

What I’m really thinking: Oh s/he deserves this so much! | Oh no, say goodbye to your friend for a while.


Why exactly do I have these thoughts?

One of my friends being in love often means for me, that they’ll spent every waking hour talking about their love interest.
Or when they’re finally a couple they stick together all the time. All of the time.
While I can totally understand this, for I have been in love myself, I don’t understand why having a boy- or girlfriend means that
you just abandon your old friends? I wonder whether it’s just my experience or if other single friends know it as well. Whenever my best friend is in a relationship she practically has no time for me at all. And if she finds the time, she either talks about her lover or she invites me to join her with her lover.
Sounds quite nice, right? Yeah. I’m always a fifth wheel, because she and her girl/boyfriend will always do anything else but making out or talk about how much they love each other OR if I’m lucky, I get a little small talk. So I’d rather not meet my friend the first weeks of her new relationship. Because for me it means spending a whole afternoon watching my friend enjoying herself, while I’m bored to death.

Have I done anything to prevent this?

Well. Not really. I told her that I always feel like I don’t belong there,  but that I’m still happy for her. My friend feels sorry, but she can’t really help herself. She is a lover of the extreme. It’s either pure obsession or pure disinterest. There is nothing in between.
It is probably also my fault. I’m not good at talking about my true feelings. Writing – yes. Conversation – no. In her eyes I’m the most strongest person she knows (emotionally). I don’t cry in public, I don’t let sadness take over me, I don’t let the bad things influence the way I interact with my surroundings. I keep anything negative to myself. Locked away.
Telling her that I feel neglected when she’s in a relationship just seems so strange. I’m scared that she feels bad for me or something.I also don’t know HOW much it really bothers me. Because in the long-run we will both be happy once the ‘making out’ weeks have passed and she can bear being away from her boy/girlfriend. I guess the selfish-me wants all the attention, although logical-me knows that being neglected is just a temporary state. It’s not like I have some serious issues anyway.

I’m always okay. I’m the Queen of okay.

(And I know that I’m actually lying to myself.)

That’s it for now.

— Baylie